Reading: The Comfort of Crows
Watching: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure (we're in part 5!)
Playing: Slay the Princess
Listening: Chappell Roan

Since my last blog entry a lot has happened! In July I was very productive with Artfight (which my last blog was about), then August and September were slow while I was distracted with a new job. Come October I was unemployed again and had a lot more free time, so I engaged in OC-tober, a prompt list for the month celebrating Original Characters. I decided to treat it as a drawing challenge and made some art I'm pretty proud of!

My favourites of the OC-tober art I made, more can be seen on my tumblr!

I want to keep this momentum going. I think I've been doing well at it so far, I haven't been making art every day but I've been working on drawing consistently. Even if it's not doing a finished piece or a big project.. I've been studying more and trying to improve my anatomy and rendering.

I've also been doodling more when I get a chance, trying to keep things playful along with the studying. I'm avoiding locking myself into any specific ideas about what my art should be. I want to take opportunities that present themselves, but I don't want to force myself to make anything. I've been making clay creatures in my spare time, and a local store asked me to sell some through them (the shopkeeper overheard me talking to my friend, looked at photos of them and offered to sell them.) I want to take them up on it because it's a fun opportunity, but I'm trying to figure out a way to that doesn't make me feel anxious. I don't want to sell the creatures I already made since I'm attached to them, but making anything just to sell puts a lot of pressure on me to make something "worth" selling. Maybe making those will be a goal for November though? I do think it would be cool to sell something in a physical store, and it could be a one-off thing if I don't enjoy the process...

The concept of "work" and what it means to work hard have also been on my mind. Struggling with unstable employment this year has been rough on me, doubly so when I'm not sure what career path I want to take. I feel like a spoiled child saying I don't want to work, though there is a spark of truth in it... I'm at a decent job now, and I feel like I do it well (though I'm still in training) but it's still retail-adjacent, and it's not a job I see myself doing for more than a couple years. My "back up" long term plan is welding, which I'm currently on the waitlist for at my local community college. But aside from the increased job security I don't feel any particular pride or excitement at the idea of going into welding as a career either. My birthday was this past week, and I've officially entered my late 20s. It's time for me to start laying the groundwork for my 30s. I don't really want to be a welder, but it's a better option than being a waiter or working retail...

Ideally I want to make a living as an artist, but I'm only now starting to recover from a 5 year period of intense burnout. I'm scared that approaching art as a career will hurt me. I've definitely got a mental block to overcome, maybe self-sabotage in a way... Whenever I think of pursuing art as a career, building a portfolio, selling at conventions/markets, my brain tells me all the ways I'll fail. I've fallen short of my ambitions so many times, lost motivation or become overwhelmed before I can finish a project. The clearest advice I've seen is to start by finishing smaller things, so I'm trying to take that to heart and stay small. Determine an area I want to improve on and work on it, don't overload myself. Stick to bite sized projects like this animatic I finished for OC-tober, or one-off illustrations.

My focus now is on increasing my confidence as an artist and challenging myself within parameters I know I can succeed in. I feel like I've regained some of the enthusiasm for creating I had before art school. Unfortunately if I do want to pursue art as a source of income, I also need to figure out healthy habits when I don't have inspiration. I need to learn to keep schedules and deadlines. I don't know what that will look like yet. But I do feel like the last 4 months have been a great start at rebuilding my confidence and figuring out the beginnings of my workflow. I just need to stay curious, keep my mind open, and be intentional in how I spend my time. Allowing myself to become overwhelmed is what led to all my previous negativity and frustration. If I care for myself, my creativity, my relationships, my curiosity, I know it will lead to something worthwhile. I just have to remember to enjoy the process.

       
Sometimes, the desire to be lost again, as long ago, comes over me like a vapor.
With growth into adulthood, responsibilities claimed me, so many heavy coats.
I didn't choose them, I don't fault them, but it took time to reject them.
Now in the spring I kneel, I put my face into the packets of violets, the dampness,
the freshness, the sense of ever-ness. Something is wrong, I know it,
if I don't keep my attention on eternity.
May I be the tiniest nail in the house of the universe, tiny but useful.
May I stay forever in the stream.
May I look down upon the windflower and the bull thistle and the coreopsis
with the greatest respect.

-Mary Oliver, Upstream (2016)